WHEN SUICIDAL THOUGHTS CHECK IN...

“I’m tired of living…”

“I know it won’t hurt you all…”

“If only God could take me now…”

“I don’t want to burden people anymore…”

“I can’t take this anymore…”

Those are some of the words that people who are suicidal tend to use. Words that can be taken lightly by many, and seriously by some. Then when the worst happens, we all wonder why and how we didn’t see this coming! Yet if you keenly look, you will realize that these people normally try to reach out. They seek attention just so that someone can notice them and stretch forth their hand to help them, which sadly isn’t always the case. That’s when the remarks start flooding in: Wish (s)he told us what was wrong; Wish we got more concerned; Wish we were there for them; Wish… and the list continues. Others will turn to the victim with their own remarks: How could (s)he do this to his/her own family?; (S)he was too selfish to care about those they left behind; Only cowards can end their lives…and so on.

All said and done, the loss of a loved one, no matter how they died, is always a painful moment to their loved ones. In John 11:35 Jesus wept. HE saw the mourners and felt their pain as well. The mourners even wondered where Jesus was as HE could have stopped the death of Lazarus. Child of God, take note that it didn’t start with you to wonder where God was when you lost your loved one.

Depression and low self esteem play a big role to those who commit suicide. When they feel like they amount to nothing, no one really cares and nothing seems to go their way, then the next thought is that they don’t deserve to live. Although this may not be the same case for all of them.

“In Loving Memory of Trish. It’s now 12yrs since you left us…”

This is what my loved ones would have been saying about me this year, but thanks be to God that it’s not the case. See, this writer had her moments too, when all she desired for was death. Yes. They say suicidal people are cowards but I doubt that. It takes a lot of courage to harm yourself and you can only do it if you are possessed by something you cannot control. That voice that tells you negative things, that ‘energy’ in you that makes you fear nothing and makes you numb to pain. No, I am not alive because I freaked out, but because of God’s Mercies, Grace and Love.

I was in my fourth year in high school and staying with a relative. Nothing made sense and so much was going on at that moment. Long story short, I saw death as my only solution and hence I marked the date on the calendar. The date I would end all this and have ‘peace’. Nothing mattered anymore, after all, I was helping everyone, so I thought. I became numb to emotions. To see that I sat down and started contemplating on the best way to kill myself, just tells you that I was so ready to act it out. I weighed the pros and cons of each and settled on throwing myself on the busy Entebbe road highway. I smiled to myself for having reached that decision, more like a pat on the back for thoroughly using my brains. I put the date some 2 weeks away, just so I could bid everyone farewell without even them realizing it. Every night I got more excited that the day was nearing for me to go ‘rest in peace’. Allow me to say, it’s not cowardice but maybe a shortcut from life’s challenges and battles.

On my ‘last night’ here on earth, I cried not because I got scared, no, but because my mum, my brothers who I am so close to and my sisters would be in pain. But then, I would still die later on in life, so why not die now and save myself the pain of seeing any of them go first? Why stay in this world that was so cruel yet there was a ‘peaceful’ place? Why?... I went to bed happy, knowing that was it! I would wake up, have breakfast, then take a stroll like I was just around and bam!! I would be referred to as ‘the late’ and life would go back to normal for everyone with time. That was my plan, but definitely not God’s plan.

That was the first night I had an encounter with HIS voice, the night HE revealed to me how HE wanted to use me, the night I got to know my purpose here on earth. I woke up a new person with no negative thought but hope to fulfill my purpose. So when I say it was by HIS Grace, Mercy and Love, I mean exactly that, because not all who plan to end their lives, live to tell or gets an encounter with God. I wasn’t even born again that time, I am not the best, not perfect but a work in progress, but HE rescued me.

Child of God, next time you read such words from someone, try and reach out, don’t take it as a joke or that that person is just seeking for mere attention. You might just rescue a life and give hope to a soul that has already given up on life.  To those who are at such a point in their lives, I besiege you to look at the cross of Calvary. Get someone you can talk to and involve yourself in different activities. Yes the devil will tell you that you are going to have peace, but that’s a lie. Murderers have no place in Heaven and it’s a false ‘peace’ that he is lying to you about so you can join him where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth.  God still has your back, no matter the circumstances and will soon bring you out of them all.

 Let these words from Jesus to me bless you as well:

“I AM the One who gave you that life, and I AM the One who will take it away!”

Shalom.